


Chibi

by Felidae5



Category: Lupin III
Genre: Complete, Fujiko should have paid attention, Lupin and the gang are stuck, Random - Freeform, Silly, Weird, Zenigata's not gonna survive this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:49:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28763598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Felidae5/pseuds/Felidae5
Summary: Highly inspired by an adorable little fanart, I decided to throw this one out there. Zenigata, the gang and Fujiko screwing up. What better way to drive the poor inspector insane?
Kudos: 9





	1. New faces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a successfull heist, things go..awry. How's Zenigata gonna handle the gang, when the guys can't really help themselves?

_Chibi_

_New faces_

"What do you mean, you caught them?" roared Inspector Zenigata into the phone. The officer at the other end winced and explained,  
"Well, not so much _caught_ , as they plain and simply walked in here and asked for you." Baffled, the Interpol agent stared blankly at nothing.  
"Are you trying to tell me, that Lupin lll and gang walked into your police station and offered their _surrender_?"  
"*sigh* I think it's best you come see for yourself, sir."

"A curse."  
A godforsaken, bloody curse had brought the great Arsène Lupin lll to fall. And it was also a considerably stupid curse. Wiping his face with one hand, Zenigata gazed at the three criminals sitting at the interrogation table, enjoying their afternoon tea.  
"So, let me get this straight: Fujiko set you on this ancient Egyptian-"  
"Sumerian", corrected Lupin,  
" _Sumerian_ artefact that was supposed to grant its wearer uncanny physical powers. You guys managed to sneak in, but when you tried to carry it off, it turned you into -this."  
Lupin pouted.  
"There's no need to be so derogatory, oji-chan." Zenigata couldn't help but give a wonky smile. This was really too cute; Lupin lll, Jigen Daisuke and Ishikawa Goemon were sitting at the table on kiddy chairs the team had rounded up from who-knows-where and were munching on cookies and milk.  
Their soft, triangle ears shifted back and fro and their fluffy tails swayed gently.  
At least the curse had been generous enough to shrink their clothes along with their bodies.  
Kittens.  
_Humanoid_ kittens.  
He could have mistaken them for overzealous CATS fans, save for the fact they had paws instead of feet. Their canines were more prominent, their pupils turned to slits whenever they peered at the light and then there were their claws.  
Their cute, razorsharp, little, _retractable_ claws.  
Zenigata scratched his head.  
"Whatever am I gonna do with you? You're too old for nursery school, and I sure as hell can't throw you into a kennel or zoo."  
Promptly, Lupin gazed up at him with large, watery eyes.  
"Onegai, oji-chan, we didn't know where else to go. In this form we can't drive, well, anything, and we'll be dog food if any of our enemies catch wind of this."  
Zenigata growled.  
"Can't you just try to reverse the curse? I mean, you still got the artefact, ne?" Lupin shifted uneasily, Jigen and Goemon crossed their arms and looked away. Zenigata pinched the bridge of his nose.  
"Don't tell me, let me guess: Fujiko took off with the loot and sold it." The twin glares directed at Lupin told him everything he needed to know. Hands on his hips, he grumbled,  
"Whatever am I going to do with you?"  
"If I might add," the officer cut in,  
"the commissioner opted you take them home until we have figured out a solution. Since it's your case in the first place, it would be only fitting if you, well, _oversaw_ them."  
Zenigata was baffled for a second, then screamed,  
"Wait a minute! There's no way in hell I'm gonna babysit three little cat monsters! I still got other missions, and-"  
"The commissioner said, you would be pulled off any other assignments, seeing as it would be considered more of a, well, _house arrest_. Full pay, of course. And he didn't leave any room for arguement."  
Zenigata faltered, then looked at the three miniature criminals. Well, one, actually, where were Jigen and Goemon-  
A soft thud on his head. Zenigata stared cross-eyed at the little tail hanging over the rim of his hat. Before he even had time to reach up, he felt a weight pulling at the back of his coat. Glancing down, he saw Jigen dangling from the edge, trying to claw his way up. With a defeated sigh, Zenigata turned to pick up the chibi master thief and muttered,  
"Oh well. At least this way I don't have to chase after you all over the world."  
And when Lupin replied with a heartfelt  
"Mniaaaaa!", the inspector's expression softened.  
Maybe this wasn't so bad at all.

It was worse than he could have ever imagined.  
It was his own, personal hell.  
Constantly something went missing, there were crumbs, paper strips, clawmarks and footprints everywhere and in general Inspector Zenigata got a very distinct feeling how the expression "herding cats" came to be.  
If Lupin was rambunctious in human form, he was downright unhinged as a kitten. The only times he remained motionless was right after eating, when he would slip into a food coma. Jigen loved climbing up on the highest spots and then playfully claw at Zenigata, ambushing the poor inspector when this one least expected it. Goemon, finally, was a ghost. He disappeared for hours without a trace, just to show up in random places without warning, often nearly giving Zenigata a cardiac event.  
Lupin also had no sense of privacy, enjoying to shower with Zenigata. The burly inspector didn't like the way the chibi thief would gaze at him, and often locked to the door to ensure Lupin stayed out.  
Right.  
Because _that_ helped against Lupin lll.  
The small tomcat always found a way in, and eventually, Zenigata just gave up. He once _did_ threaten to use Lupin as a loofah sponge, if this one didn't stop pawing at his toes, but otherwise, he couldn't be bothered anymore.  
It was only come night that Zenigata admitted that the house arrest was a blessing in disguise. Unerringly, whenever he went to bed, the three thiefs-turned-kittens would roll up at his side and fall asleep almost instantly.  
Zenigata would never admit it aloud, but he slept much better since _his_ chibis were around.

"Kawaaiiii!"  
Delighted, Mine Fujiko picked up Lupin and pressed him to her ample chest. Promptly, the kitten began to nuzzle against the soft mounds and purr. Zenigata felt a pang of undefined jealousy.  
"And you say, this is part of the curse of Saba-Nuhrr?" Zenigata grumbled,  
"You should know that, after all, it was _you_ who led them into the trap." Feigning indignation, Fujiko replied,  
"I didn't lure anyone anywhere! All I did, was hire three pros to retrieve a precious object for my employer. With a good share of the bonus, of course."  
"Of course." A fleeting glance to make sure it was empty, Zenigata let himself plop into his armchair. Out of nowhere, Jigen appeared, hopped on his lap and curled in on himself, dozing off. Again, Fujiko cooed.  
"Is that -Jigen? Oh my goodness, he is absolutely adorable! I could eat him up with a spoon!" She made to reach for him, but Jigen extended one hand, claws on display, and Fujiko retracted her hand.  
"So desu, ne. Definetly Jigen." Zenigata drove one brawny hand over Jigen's shirt-covered back.  
"He's also a passionate passive smoker. Whenever I lit a cigarette, he sits on my shoulder and inhales the smoke." Fujiko's lips twitched, but she refrained from bursting into laughter. Instead, she cleared her throat(something Lupin very much approved of) and asked,  
"So, where's Goemon?" Resting his face on his free palm, Zenigata muttered,  
"I have no clue whatsoever. He just disappears and reappears without rhyme and reason. As long as he shows up for meals and bedtime, I'm content."  
Fujiko regarded him thoughtfully.  
"You do seem more relaxed than usual. And I can see that the boys are happy and healthy, too. I guess, it's a win-win situation, ne? Anyways, I gotta go."  
"Not so fast" bellowed Zenigata, even as Lupin dug his nails into Fujiko's blouse. The femme fatale winced, hopefully there would be no marks left.  
"You caused all of this trouble, you own up to it. Where is the artefact?"  
"I..don't know," Fujiko grimaced, trying to detach a clingy Lupin from her chest, who was having none of it.  
"I just handed the artefact over at the meeting point, once the money was transferred, and that's that. I don't tend to ask my clients why they want and what they do with the goods they demand. I take the job, get the object, take the pay and hand over whatever it is."  
By now Lupin had firmly wrapped himself around her neck, clawed paws a firm hold on her blouse. Fujiko gave up and scratched the transformed thief behind his ears. Lupin purred again. Zenigata narrowed his eyes at the gorgeous woman.  
"Think, there must have been something, some special instructions you received when you took the job."  
Fujiko placed one finger against her full lips.  
"Come to think of it, he advised me to use a silver mirror when looking at the cask, and to only touch it with silk, silver embroidered cloth. but I didn't think it was important."  
"Wait, what? Why didn't tell us that before we went in?" mewled Lupin aloud. He jumped down from Fujiko's shoulder and ran over to Zenigata. Clambering on this one's lap and pushing Jigen aside to settle comfortably, he glared at his crush.  
"You should have told us that we should take precautions" he snapped in a stern tone. Considering it was laced with a slight mew, it was almost ridiculous.  
His eyes however, were not. Jigen, who by now had risen to all fours, stretched and gave Fujiko a hard glance from underneath his hat.  
Unexpectedly, she felt strangely intimidated.  
There was something beyond the cuteness, the childlike faces, that seemed...dangerous. Impure. Predatory.  
Hostile.  
She took a miniscule step back. Like a conjuring trick, a shadow appeared, perched itself on Zenigata's shoulder. Bright golden eyes homed in on her. Goemon had returned.  
And suddenly, everything shifted before her eyes.  
Zenigata was no longer Zenigata, but some archaic, stone-faced monarch, a man of immeasurable power. The kittens surrounding him were bigger, fiercer, angrier.  
His dark brown eyes held silent justice, when he declared,  
"You will search for the artefact, and you will return it. You will find out anything and everything there is about the curse. And then you will restore our friends to their natural form."  
Fujiko swallowed her trepidation, head held high.  
"What if I-what if there is no remedy?"  
And Zenigata was back, wearing a grin that turned her blood to ice.  
"Then I think it's only fair, if you share their fate."

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°  
*blinks* I..have no idea where the change in tone came from. Probably the curse effected me as well. Oh and here's the artwork tha inspired this weird fic -prepare for cuteness.  
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/51/1b/ed/511beded03e4b6e1ba4dd7d0f2bdfddc.png


	2. Reconaissance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back with a little setting-up, I've got no idea really where this is going.

_Reconaissance_

Interpol had a way of opening doors that even left Fujiko baffled.  
The Nineve Centre for Culture and History in Mosul had copies of scrolls dating back to 617 BC? Transcripts were sent in.  
She needed an escort to some forgotten grave in some forgotten place in the godforsaken desert? A team of several local police officers and or National Guards complete with a native scout was called in.  
Fujiko realized how much easier working for Interpol was than being a world-renowned criminal.  
And how much more tedious, as well.  
Every little dime she spent, even down to things such as underwear and instant coffees, had to be recorded and vouched. Not one step she took wasn't protocolled, all her conversations, no matter what form or topic, written down.  
It was some thirteen days in; she had just returned from another dead end in Aleppo and thrown herself on the couch in Zenigata's messy living room(Lupin had obviously decided to let it 'snow' inside the apartment), when she posed the question to the inspector.  
"Is it always like this?" She gestured with one hand. Zenigata, cradling Lupin, Jigen slumped over his right shoulder, tilted a brow.  
"Mou itte?" Fujiko huffed.  
"This-this -annoying. Document this, verify that...how have you not gone stir-crazy by now?" Zenigata chuckled.  
"That's what voicemails are there for. And assistants. And why I prefer chasing after you, than burying myself in paperwork, like most guys my rank and age do."  
Fujiko looked at him, and her expression changed.  
"Huh. You are an adventurer, just like us, ne." The inspector scowled.  
"I beg to differ. Normal adventurers don't cause mayhem and havoc and steal valuables wherever they go."  
"We're not exactly 'normal', oji-chan", mumbled Jigen from Zenigata's shoulder. Lupin gave a chirp.  
"Sou desu. I mean, look at us. We got turned into kittens and while it's annoying, it doesn't really, you know, _upset_ us. Most people would probably try to kill themselves, but for us, it's just something that happened. No big deal."  
" _I_ beg to differ." Fujiko shrieked and almost fell off the couch when Goemon appeared next to her head. The neko-samurai sat very upright and continued,  
"I was planning to return home to continue my training. This situation has put a wrench in my schedule. So the earlier this..problem get's resolved, the better."  
Zenigata agreed.  
"As adorable as you are and as easier keeping an eye on you like this is, I'd rather do this the proper way. You are still criminals, you know."  
Lupin turned big, pleading eyes up at Zenigata.  
"But-but- we're much too cute to go to jail, oji-chan. And we like it here. Can't we just stay together and live like one big, happy family? Pleeeeeeeeaaaaase?"  
Zenigata mulled this over a moment, staring into Lupin's huge, glistening orbs, then stated in a dead serious voice,  
"I would have to insist on getting you neutred, then."   
Laughter erupted throughout the room, as one petrified Lupin fell off of Zenigata's arms, utterly horrified.

"Ahh, finally. Leg space", groaned Zenigata, as he stretched to his full length and parked his long legs in front of him. Fujiko smiled.  
"True, First Class it to be recommended. I can see, why this comes as a relief to you."  
"And then some", smiled the inspector, and Fujiko was surprised how..cute he looked, when he was as content and relaxed as now. She smirked.  
"Doesn't Interpol pay for your flights?" Instantly, Zenigata's mood soured.  
"Economy, usually. First Class, if we're protecting some big shot or rich guy, but otherwise we're lucky if we don't get squashed into the cargo bay." Fujiko giggled.  
"And here I thought, Interpol payed its agents better than normal police."  
"It does," replied Zenigata, as he took the offered Cuban Rose from the stewardess,  
"but only by a margin. It's really all in the benefits, bonuses, pension and health care."  
Fujiko smiled that dazzling smile of hers.  
"Still sounds better than writing fines." Zenigata gave loopsided grin, as he clinked their glasses together.  
"It does. Plus, there's the recongition. Even the most stuck-up Chief will actually pay attention-"  
"Attention please, will the parents of the three costumed boys please pick up their children. Their presence is delaying our flight." Zenigata facepalmed, threw his drink back and stalked towards the cockpit.  
"Just once," he grumbled, his angry face curbing any comments,  
"just for once, I wish they could stay out of trouble."  
Forty minutes, a hearty meal and twenty-six ccs of chlorpromazine later, the three scoundrels were in lala-land and Zenigata sighed in relief. Fujiko was baffled.  
"Where did you get that stuff from?" Zenigata gave a half-smirk.  
"My prescription. You think hunting you folks down is easy?"

"But I want!" "You went last time, now it's my turn!" "Gomen, but didn't we agree that-"  
Fujiko observed the three neko-kuns argueing about who knows what. It was quite heated; though she had missed the topic, she could tell it was serious. Lupin had his claws and fangs bared, Jigen had raised his hackles, tail imitating a bottle brush. Goemon looked slightly indignant, but is ears were folded back and his tail flipped back and forth like a windscreen wiper. Fujiko cleared her throat and interrupted,  
"'Scuse me, boys, but what exactly are you fighting about?"  
"They're argueing who gets to sleep with me", came a gruff voice from behind. Flustered, the brunette watched Zenigata walk past her and pick up Jigen, much to the others' dismay. The former gunslinger immediately snuggled up to the inspector. Fujiko, fighting down her trepidation, mumbled,  
"Sleeping..?" Zenigata nodded, as he patted the other two nekos' heads.  
"Hai. Normally we all sleep in the same bed, but here, there's not enough room for all of us. So they take turns."  
"Okay..." Fujiko couldn't keep the distraught tone out of her voice. Dark brows furrowed.  
"They're quite small, so they need the extra body heat I provide. Since you took the queen sized bed, the others will be bunking with you."  
"Ma-matte, what?" shrieked the beauty. Turning to her cursed comrades, she noticed Lupin give her a leer as Goemon shifted uncomfortably.  
Hoo boy.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°  
I'm basing their behaviour upon my friend's late cat. Cute little thing, but could easily take up one third of their bed when asleep.


	3. Second stop: enlightenment

_Second stop: enlightenment_

One tired, disgruntled, haggard-looking Mine Fujiko trudged into the small kitchenette their hotel-hideout came with. Zenigata, Jigen on his shoulder, coffee in hand and smoking a cigarette, greeted her.  
"Ohyaou gozaimasu, Fujiko-chan. Sleep well?" The exhausted beauty took the proffered coffee cup and handed Zenigata a medicine ball-sized clump of soft, silky something. The large man examined it, confused.  
"What- what on earth is..?"  
"My underwear," grumbled Fujiko into her cup, nearly making the inspector drop the bundle,  
"it was the only way to shut up Lupin. That or putting a bullet between his ears." Zenigata, who was gingerly plucking apart the lace-embroidered mess(and looked like he was competing at a tomato-festival), muttered,  
"Let me guess; he pulled the too-cute-to-die-schtick on you too, ne?" Placing her forehead in her palm, Fujiko merely nodded. Then she reached for the cigarette Zenigata had placed in the ashtray and took a deep drag.  
"Hey, hey, that's mine!" protested Zenigata. Fujiko blew a puff of smoke in his face, stating,  
"Get a new one. Besides, it's for Jigen."  
True enough, then neko-gunman inhaled the smoke as deep as he could, then exhaled with a disturbingly satisfied mewl. Zenigata eyed the kitten on his shoulder suspiciously.  
Fujiko chuckled, coughed, then cleared her throat.  
"That's definetly an addict, there." Jigen peeked through his dark bangs.  
"Urusai, onna.°" Zenigata seized the opportunity and his cigarette back.  
"Besides," he stated, puffing gently, "we don't know what kind of side-effects this might have on them."  
Fujiko watched the inspector take another drag, then drawled,  
"Do you always steal indirect kisses, Inspector?" Zenigata paused a moment to think about her question. Then his eyes zeroed in on the cigarette between his lips -and he promptly went into a coughing fit.  
Sipping from her coffee, Fujiko winked at Jigen, who remained firmly attached to Zenigata.  
"He's too easy", she smiled. Jigen smirked.  
"That makes two of you." Promptly, they began to hackle, while Zenigata tried to calm down both them and his coughing fit.  
And all the while Lupin, tightly bundled up in stay-ups, garters, panties and bras, slept on, undisturbed.

"I will skin you alive, if you don't came down here this very minute!" roared Zenigata. Lupin, Jigen and Goemon were busy clawing their way up the heavy draperies of the Nassau Historic museum, scoping out the place for any goodies small enough for them to swipe and carry.  
Lupin grinned and stuck his tongue out, while Jigen made his way over the balustrade to the crockery section.  
"Oh no, you won't" snarled Zenigata under his breath, as he pulled out a tiny set of handcuffs and launched them at Jigen.  
The cuff missed the neko's ankle but wrapped itself around its tail instead.  
An ungodly yowl echoed through the pristine halls; Jigen lost his balance and dug his claws into the draperie. Lupin hopped over in order to free his friend, and the additional tug proofed too much for the draperie's ancient holds. With a rapid series of pings, the hooks popped out of their holdings and the large, four by eight meters carpet came crushing down on one terrified Inspector Zenigata.  
Some twenty minutes, a stern lecture and the promise to have them chipped and fixed later, Fujiko, Zenigata and their three menaces made for the underbelly of the old town.

Mouth wide agape, Zenigata stared at Lupin.  
Who showed the gorgeous, thumbnail-sized pearl to them.  
Putting down his spoon, the Inspector asked in a dangerously calm tone,  
"Arsène Lupin, would you please enlighten me, as to where you obtained this gem?"  
"The museum, of course. It was quite easy, what with you buried under the carpet and all."  
He flashed a wide, cocky grin at Zenigata. Which began to falter, when he saw the stress nerve on the agent's temple grow. Quasi-apologetic, he opted,  
"We can always return it and claim you found it-"  
"You are absolutely impossible!" shouted Zenigata, as he pressed Lupin face-first into his ice-cream bowl,  
"I can't take you anywhere without you causing trouble! Why are you trying make my life an absolute mysery, you little-  
"Tot-san!" Fujiko's tone was sharp and warning. Zenigata paused in his action grinding Lupin's face through the table and looked around. Sure enough the other people around shot him angry looks and he heard calls of "Child abuser!" "Tyrant!" "Sadist!" and what not more.  
Giving a sheepish grin, he freed Lupin from his icy face-bath and began wiping him down.  
Promptly, Lupin began to wail, then turned big, teary eyes on the inspector.  
"Why did you hurt me like that? Do-don't you like me? I thought you liked me. You know I like you, but you're always _sooo_ mean to me."  
Zenigata felt his heart simultaneously melt and break. With a deep sigh, he scooped up the distraught thief(damn the acting and those large, pleading eyes), and mumbled,  
"It's not that I don't" he struggled clearly with the word,  
"- _like_ you, but you're constantly getting us into trouble. If you can't keep your hands to yourself, you're risking ticking off people who could help us break the curse. So really, I'm just trying to keep a reign on you so we can turn you all back again."  
Attack of the kitty eyes, second impact, but this time moved.  
"Tot-san..you actually _care_ , don't you?" Zenigata scratched the back of his head, slightly embarassed.  
"Yeah, I guess I do."  
Lupin threw himself at the broad chest.  
"Domo, tot-san. I like you so much." Zenigata smiled softly and gently pressed the small neko-thief closer.  
If only Lupin were always this adorable and affectionate.

Their meet-up was running late.  
For twenty-odd minutes, their ragtag group had been standing there, waiting for their informant to show up, but no car was in sight yet.  
Sighing, Fujiko brushed a strand of hair back.  
"Are you sure he's coming? I'm pretty fed-up of standing around waiting for nothing."  
"Ne, I don't know, I like the view from here" chuckled Lupin. Fujiko turned around to look at the small thief sitting on a rock, staring up at her.  
Staring up her-  
"You ungrateful, ecchi little hentai!" screeched Fujiko, as she unceremoniously stomped the lecherous neko into the dust,  
"Here we are, trying to help him, and all he does is looking up my skirt! What does it take for you to not try to be a Peeping Tom?"  
"Wearing an actual _skirt_ would help", muttered Jigen under his breath. A smooth leap to the right, as Fujiko's pea-shooter spit a tiny bullet where the gunslinger had sat.  
"I'm so done with you guys! This is why I don't hang around you! You're all terrible!" Zenigata grumbled over his shoulder,  
"Ne, put your marital grievances on the back burner. They're here."  
"Marital-I'd rather marry _you_ than this lowlife louse!" hissed Fujiko. Zenigata didn't flinch.  
Jigen and Goemon looked at the broad back, wide shoulders, duster flapping dramatically in the late afternoon wind...  
"He's totally flustered" stated Jigen. Goemon hmmed.  
"If he were any more bashful, his face would be the colour of pomegrenade seeds."

Seven airports, twenty-eight hours and four hotels later, the had arrived at their destination.  
A remote, tiny little shire nestled between the outskirts of Moldova and Romania, it conjured up memories of Cagliostro's castle. Though it looked definetly more modern and well-kept that the insane tyrant's giant death trap.  
"I have a bad feeling about this", muttered Jigen and Lupin scowled.  
"It does look familiar, ne? Can't put my finger on it, though."  
"I would remember if I'd followed you here", added Zenigata. Fujiko and Goemon agreed.  
Atop the palace's building, the flags fluttered in the wind; an odd yellow bird on a blue backdrop, with three golden stars dancing around its beak, carrying a white shield with red lines.  
"What's his place again?" asked Jigen.  
"County of Blastonia, last I checked. Old family, ties to lots of the noble and royal houses North of the Black Sea" replied Fujiko, as they walked towards the large, closed gate.  
"I see, you are well informed."  
Unison, the group swerved around, an array of weapons pointing at the militaristic looking elderly man who had appeared out of nowhere.  
"Please, there is no need for violence. As a matter of fact, we have been expecting you."  
He nodded at Zenigata.  
"Though we did not count on you to bring the Inspector along. It is of no consequence, though."  
"Now wait a minute, pal, I am ICPO-"  
"Who has no jurisdiction in our little corner of the world. But please, do come in. His Heighness should not be kept waiting."  
Wary, suspicious and definetly curious the others followed him into the castle.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°  
Because that never backfired...

°"Urusai, onna": Japanese; "Quiet, woman". Jigen never liked Fujiko...


	4. Step three: thanks for..anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I realized, I'm not good at writing comedy..oh well, here goes nothing.

_Step three: thanks for..anything_

It was the most luxurious stay of their entire odyssey.  
Apparently, His Highness would be seeing them tomorrow, since it was law and custom in Blastonia to let visitors rest one night before introducing them to the head of house.  
Fujiko insulted the cook by whisking out her travel kit and testing every dish on the table for poison, but once they could rest assured that the food wasn't drugged, they ate their fill and more.  
Sated and tired, they let the head butler(Jassimov by name) lead them to their spacious, opulent bedrooms. With a happy screech Lupin jumped on the bed and began a pillow fight. Two cushions turning him into a sandwich however curbed his playful mood.  
"Ne, looks like you boys will be bunking together. Cause there's no way I'm sharing my bed with any of you."  
"It's okay," cheered Lupin, slightly breathless,  
"we're staying with tot-san anyway. It's a little cold in here." Fujiko blinked.  
"I'm..sure there are spare blankets and an electric heater avaiable, if we ask..."  
"Don't bother," said Zenigata, already slipping out of his blazer,  
"this way I know where they are and can keep them warm." Baffled, the female thief asked,  
"Don't-don't they bother you? I almost went nuts, because each time I turned there was a tail or paw in my face."  
The inspector shrugged.  
"I got used to it. Besides, they're usually pretty stationary once they're asleep."  
"Say what?" Fujiko must have misheard. _Stationary?_ In what parallel universe..?  
"All have their favourite sleeping spot: Lupin prefers my chest, Jigen favours my shoulder and Goemon my left side." Fujiko's smile quivered.  
"Why not your right?" Goemon gave a small stretch and replied,  
"In case he has to defend himself or us, he needs his right side unobstructed by my body."  
"And I sleep at his shoulder, 'cause sometimes his old wound flares up. Warmth's good against gaut."  
"I thought that was rheumatism?" There was a poorly suppressed giggle in Fujiko's voice. Zenigata scowled.  
"For your information, that was the shot I took during the whole Dead and Alive fiasco. Remember?"  
"Ne, that was the Marco Polo one. Pretty nasty stuff", interjected Jigen.  
"Either way, you did put yourself in harm's way for the greater good. It is the least we can do to make you comfortable during your sleep."  
"I'd sleep more comfortable if I knew you're locked behind bars."  
Fujiko smirked.  
"Look at it this way: when push comes to shove, you can always stuff them into a kitty carrier."  
The pillows that followed her out the door missed her by an inch...

"Come back here, you little nudist!"  
Fujiko stood frozen in the door, taking in the scene.  
"Not gonna make my appearance in that thing, tot-san!" singsanged one naked chibi-Lupin, as he raced through the suite-sized bedroom. He vaulted from the floor across the bed, Zenigata unsuccessfully trying to get a hold on the hyperactive thief.  
Jigen and Goemon were sitting in a corner of the room, enjoying breakfast and ignoring the fracas.  
"You're not gona meet the Count wearing your things from yesterday!" bellowed Zenigata, narrowly missing Lupin, who now dangled from the chandelier and stuck his tongue out at the Inspector.  
"Get down here, you little monkey!" Zenigata was clearly on his last nerve. Fujiko shut the door behind her.  
"I could ask what's the matter, but I know enough that I don't wanna know."  
"Tot-san wants me to wear the green jacket!"  
"Yeah, well, the red and blue are both dirty, and I doubt the pink one still fits."  
"I hate the green jacket!"  
"I don't give a damn! You're not going out there in your boxers!"  
"I'll wear one of Jigen's jackets!"  
"Over your dead body", grunted the neko-gunslinger. Goemon hummed in accord.  
"You guys are so unfair! I-ack!"  
"Gotcha!" grinned Zenigata, grabbing Lupin by the scruff of his neck. Who instantly morphed into a mini-propeller, trying to slice up anything in reach.  
"If you put on the green jacket, I'll wear the purple blouse", interjected Fujiko. Instantly, the mini-chopper ground to a stop.  
"The purple..one? The one you said shrunk in the dryer..?" "Precisely that one."  
A whoosh and Lupin, fully dressed, clung to Fujiko's chest. Zenigata stared confusedly at his empty hands.  
"The one with the missing top button?"  
"The one with the missing top button."  
"What are we waiting for! Let's get get going! We don't wanna keep the Count waiting!"  
Zenigata looked at the Duracell-powered living slinky toy bouncing off the doorframes, buried his face in his hands and prayed to any deity who would listen to strike him with lightning.

Half an hour later the group was led into what could best be described as a miniscule ball room. On a gigantic armchair sat a wrinkled old man, wearing more rings on each finger than Fujiko had in her jewelry collection. In front of him stood a coffee table with an ominous little box resting on a silk, silver-embroidered veil. Fuji winced, the others shot her angry glares. Coming to a stand in front of the Count, they looked the decrepit man over, up and down, then Lupin asked,  
"Who are you?" The elderly man nodded.  
"Of course you don't remember. It would be too much to ask that you remember every person you stole from. Or who's heart you broke!" The last statement was underlined by a heavy crash issued from the walking cane being slammed on the coffee table.  
Zenigata glanced at Fujiko.  
"Is this gonna be one of _those_ stories?" he muttered under his breath. Fujiko merely shrugged confusedly.  
"I am Count Ichtic Margklos the Eleventh, heir and sovereign to the County of Blastoina." Before anyone could utter a word, the Count raised one hand to silence them. Bushy white brows furrowed, pale blue eyes flashing in anger.  
"It has been five years, since you walked into my house, Lupin. And I have cursed every second since that moment."  
"You might wanna take a number, pal, cause there's a very long list of people who feel that way about him" snarked Jigen.  
"Just about any person who has ever interacted with him", added Goemon. Lupin yowled,  
"Ara, you're supposed to be my pals! Buddies! Friends! Brothers in arms! Why are you painting me in such a bad light?"  
"It _is_ one of your main charachter traits", replied Fujiko, and Zenigata doubled down,  
"That and your ecchi disposition-"  
"Enough!" screeched the old man, then coughed.  
"When you came here, five years ago, you seduced my daughter and cheated her out of everything she cared about. Her self-esteem, her mother's heirloom, her fiancé-everything!" Lupin squirmed.  
"Uh, well, sorry about the fiancé, but..her heirloom?"  
"The Eye of Barnabbas." Fujiko perked up.  
"Oh, you mean that large, South-American black opal that was rumoured to have been brought here by Pizzarro himself? I never knew you had it!" Margklos nodded.  
"It has been in my family for eighteen generations and was supposed to be part of my daughter's dowry. Needless to say, thanks to this -lowlife, there was no wedding, no dowry and no more daughter."  
"Wait, what?" bellowed Zenigata,  
"are you trying to tell us, you daughter is -dead?"  
Margklos sighed; so much grief and pain carried in this single, wordless exclamation it made even Jigen shift uncomfortably.  
"She could as well be. When she found out that you had not only tricked her, but also sullied her name and cost her her marriage...she has been in a..nursing home ever since."  
Lupin grimaced and shrunk under the death glares of the others assembled.  
"Oh, uhrr, well, I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't think-"  
"You _never_ think about the repercussions of your actions!" yelled the old man. Then his wrinkled face split into a devious, nasty grin. Poking the small box with his cane, he cackled,  
"Which is why I had one of my associates seek out Fujiko and set you on the Tooth of Saba Nuhrr. I knew she couldn't be bothered with the -technical details."  
Fujiko giggled embarassedly.  
"Ne, silver mirror, silver cloth..it just seemed like unneccessary baggage."  
Lupin crossed his arms, pouting.  
"Yeah, and thanks to the lack of that 'baggage', we gotta beg his old crone to tell us how to break the spell." Zenigata is also the master of lightning-quick noogies, as the thief came to learn. Again, the monarch laughed.  
"Breaking the curse is actually rather easy. But not for you. It is your very nature that will ensure that you will spend the rest of your life as a living plushie!"  
"Wait a moment, Count," interjected Zenigata,  
"if they remain like this, how am I supposed to arrest and put them behind bars?"  
Count Margklos shrugged.  
"There's always Juvenile Hall. Freak Shows. And I bet you could make a fortune renting them out to one of these weird Cat Cafés you Japanase are so crazy about."  
"So you're not gonna remove the curse?" growled Jigen.  
" _I_ can't. As I said, the power to break it lies within you."  
Again, he smiled, this time in utter glee.  
"And no, I will not help you solve the riddle."

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°  
I..really just wanted to write an angry Zenigata chasing after a naked neko-Lupin. That's all there is to it.


	5. Step four: told you so

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ne, everybody, final chapter. i hope you liked this weird little..thing that disguised itself as astory. And hopefully I will see you in my next one. Enjoy^^

_Step four: told you so_

It was a tired, deflated group that checked in at Blastonia International Airport.  
Even Lupin was uncharachteristically quiet. Zenigata handed over their passports, as Fujiko lined the guys up for the nosey customs officer to see.  
"Your three nephews are absolutely adorable! And those cute kitten costumes are sooo realistic! Don't they itch?" Jigen scratched his ear.  
"Only if we think about it." The customs officer addressed Fujiko.   
"Oohh, I see. Are you a -costume designer?" Fujiko flashed a brilliant smile.  
"Polymer specialist. We deal with all sorts of latex-based compounds that-"  
"Fumiko, dearest, please don't bore the good lady with your work-related details", Zenigata grumbled friendly, placing one large hand on the beauty's shoulder.  
The custom officer cocked a brow. She'd seen it all before.  
Middle-aged, gruff man dating much younger belle and she would almost bet her life savings, that these were not his nephews.  
Oh well, at least their passports checked out.  
And he was Interpol, so who was she to judge?

Back at headquarters, read Zenigata's home, the group showered -Fujiko alone- and then plunged into their beds.  
Some fifteen hours later, Zenigata emerged from his bedroom, Jigen and Goemon trailing behind him.  
Fujiko sat in the kitchen, wearing one of Zenigata's robes(the implications said image conjured up made the large man's cheeks heat up) and sipped at her coffee.  
"Ne, minna-san, ohayou gozaimasu. Sleep well?"  
Grunts, yawns and grumbles, as Zenigata poured himself some coffee and began making breakfast. Brunch, he corrected himself with a glance at the clock at the wall. A _very_ late brunch.  
"Say, where's Lupin?" Zenigata looked around. True enough, no transformed master thief to see. He set down the bowl and coffee cup.  
"Oh no." Driving one brawny hand over his face, he called out,  
"Lupin! Come out! I don't wanna look for you!"  
"Mniiaaa, you called, oh gruesome one?" came the thief's gleeful chirp from the window.  
Zenigata gave him the once-over.  
Lupin was dressed and looked far too cheerful and awake for someone who had spent the past-thirty-four hours on several airplanes hopping across six countries.  
"What are you up to, now? Setting fire? Burning down my car? Poking holes in my socks?"  
"None of that," laughed Lupin,  
"I broke into your computer to scope out what your next moves are."  
Zenigata's cup stopped halfways to his lips. Dark, tired eyes widened in horror.  
"You. did. What?"  
Lupin gave his widest grin and reiterated,  
"I used your laptop to sneak into Interpol and search through my files. I must say, tot-san, you are quite-"  
"Are you _trying_ to destroy me?" roared Zenigata.  
Lupin winced, then gazed at the enraged inspector. It was rare that the Interpol agent used _that_ look combined with _this_ tone on him.  
A twinge of honest guilt struck Lupin; he put on his most endearing kitty-face and rasped,  
"It's really nothing irrepairable, I only added a few details-"  
"I am _done_ with you! Kid, kitten, cursed or not, it's about time I did something I should have done from the very beginning!" He snatched up Lupin and stormed out the kitchen, the others hot on his trails.  
Carrying a protesting Lupin by the scruff of his neck, Zenigata let himself fall into his armchair, plopped Lupin over his left knee and bellowed,  
"This is what you get for being a naughty kitten!"   
Right before his right palm landed soundly on Lupin's behind. The former thief gave a pained yelp, but his protest was cut short when Zenigata's hand delivered another five blows in rapid succession to his rear end. Lupin shrieked and squeaked, hissed and flailed, but Zenigata was having none of it.  
"Itai- matte- tot-ita!-tot-san-aii-sto-stop-yeowch!"  
For a moment, Lupin froze up, then there was the sound of tearing fabric overlayed by the sounds of slaps, and then-  
"Well, I'll be..!" rasped Jigen, as they stared at Lupin dangling over Zenigata's knees.  
Lupin, fully grown, fully adult, fully human in clothes that had not quite managed to keep up with his rapid transformation and were now hanging off him in shreds and tatters.  
Zenigata paused a moment to take in the new situatuion, then a wild, sadistic grin split his face as he growled,  
"Ne, look at that. Even better!" Before Lupin had a chance to fully comprehend his change, Zenigata had rearranged him on his legs and was now happily smacking away, cheering,  
"This one's for Macao! This one's for Tangail, this one's for Paris, and Rome, and Zurich, and Lyon, and.."  
Fujiko gently swung the door closed in front of her, her face as expressionless as both Jigen's and Goemon's.  
"i think it's best if we leave them alone", she hushed in a toneless voice.  
The two remaining nekos merely nodded, shaken.

Some forty-five minutes later, they dared peek inside the living room -and Fujiko burst out laughing.  
Sitting in a bucket full of ice, Lupin was quietly fuming. Next to him in his armchair, elegant glasses perched on his nose and smoking a pipe, Zenigata was reading from his list of allegations made against Lupin and his gang during the theft of the _Ayar Catchi_ fetish in Lima, looking entirely pleased with himself.   
"Don't laugh," growled Lupin under his breath, shooting daggers at Goemon and Jigen,  
"you're next." Fujiko sauntered in, keeping her eyes fixed on Zenigata.  
"Looks like you're enjoying yourself, tot-san." Removing his glasses, the inspector smiled,  
"Oh, but we both did, my dear. We both enjoyed ourselves quite alot, didn't we, Lupin?"  
The master thief muttered something unintelligible, but there was no hiding the pink tinge to the tip of his ears. Fujiko tilted a brow.  
"No, don't tell me..I mean, Lupin, you don't..I mean..." Jigen coughed and grinned,  
"Ne, boss, looks like tot-san put your assets on ice. Literally."  
A string of profanities accompanied the clumps of ice Lupin threw at the rapidly departing chibi-gunslinger. Zenigata patted Lupin's head gently.  
"Now, now, there, no need for violence. We'll put some ointment on the hurting part, once the swelling has subsided."   
Lupin gaped at him with an expression which can be best described as a Shinkansen's being derailed by a poké ball. Zenigata looked at Fujiko.  
"I'm sure you'd be glad to-"  
"Nope!" shouted Fujiko, stumbling backward and almost stepping on a horrified Goemon's tail,  
"you guys, just, have fun, you know, playing with each other-together-whatever."  
The heavy door slammed shut and locked behind the beauty and the beau.  
Zenigata and Lupin looked at the door, each other, then smiled sheepishly.  
"Looks it's just you and me, then", sighed Zenigata, and Lupin gave an embarassed chuckle. 

"Ohh, tot-san, right there..."  
"You really don't have to play tough, Lupin. I didn't go kindly on you, after all."  
"Yeah but..mmhh, your hands are magic, anyone ever told you that?"  
"Yes, well, I've had quite the experience. After all, it's part of a commanding officer's duty to care for the wellbeing of his subordinates."  
"And then some. No wonder they follow you to the ends of the-ow, ow, not so hard!"  
"Gomen, Lupin, but this is a neccessity. If I don't help you losen these back muscles, it will hurt even more in the morning."  
Fujiko, Jigen and Goemon, who were eavesdropping at Zenigata's master bedroom door, sweatdropped.  
"It's..I really think we're just -misinterpreting things," she hushed,  
"I bet Zenigata is really just patching up Lupin and our dirty minds filled out the blanks with the gutter.."  
"Oh gods, yes, yes, tot-san, more! You're so _big_! More! More! Take me, Zenigata, take me!" A triple set of sweatdrops, as Fujiko added,  
"...or maybe we were right all along."

Lupin slept in well past lunchtime, the next day.  
A handfull of smacks for each were sufficient to turn the gunslinger and samurai back to their original form. When asked how long Zenigata had lain into Lupin, they were met with stony silence. Lupin's embarassed, Zenigata's knowing.  
They would take the fact that Lupin had gotten off on the punishment to their graves.

"Ne, if there's one thing I'm gonna miss about this, is sleeping on your chest, tot-san." Goemon agreed.  
"True. It is rather comfortable resting at your side." Jigen gave an affirmative grunt.  
"I must admit, it was quite balming to know where you were most of the times." Zenigata shot a glance at Goemon.  
"Even though some of you enjoyed playing Hide and Seek." Lupin folded his arms behind his head.  
"Tot-san, think we could drop in occasionally for some snuggle time?" Zenigata almost tripped over is feet. Glaring at Lupin, he growled,  
"Are you coming on to me, Lupin? Last night was an exception! You do know that trying to solicit a police officer is a felony!" Lupin looked surprised.  
"Coming on- Zenigata, if I did come on to you, it would be something like this." Spoken, he threw his arms around the inspector's neck and planted a passionate, sloppy kiss on Zenigata's lips. Before this one had time to gather his wits, the four criminals took off, Lupin calling over his shoulder,  
"Ne, tot-san, see you around! And for what it's worth, thanks for everything!" Zenigata's expression shifted from perplexed to angry, as he bellowed,  
"Come back here, Lupin! You're still under arrest!"  
But there was no real bite to his command.

_owari_


End file.
